This Rain Delay

What's Wrong With Wrong

2010-11-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

Fill my ears with anything - a song, promises, lies
Anything so I don't have to hear my own thoughts
A stranger's words more comforting than mine
Take me home, Love me wrong.

2010-10-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if. what if...

Patterns

2010-10-14T23:36:00.001-07:00

Feel nothing when there's nothing to feel
But I thought it was something,
I thought it was real
Be with me now, don't lay there so blank
Thinking what I'm thinking
Loaded numb with heartache
Now rose-eyed and drifting
Can you catch me, I'm slipping

Throwing Darts

2010-08-25T20:21:00.001-07:00

Another shift
I’m perfecting the practice
I follow you...
A few steps behind so I can watch your reactions
I wait counting backwards from 100 to empty
I write letters to someone I don’t know, think I want, but can’t give in to
Easy Hearts in my speakers
Summer is here
Tempting me in every direction

Elevators

2010-08-24T19:26:00.000-07:00

Rewind... Stumbling along these last few days. Was room 1016 just a dream? My head's dizzy. A bit confused yet filled with the ring of a song not yet released. Thoughts of hopefulness. Do I feel this way or is it sleep deprivation fucking with my sense of reason? Fogged by a loss of my sense of reality... Do I venture into this kind of feeling, just to know how it feels to feel, so I can write about it in a story one day and say that I lived it. Who knows. Jumping to conclusions. You can't have control over what happens. You can have control over what happens...

Sometimes I wonder if it happened at all. True lessons of love and life. Maybe I’ll never understand the many layers of you and I. Maybe some things are better left misunderstood. Regardless, I think about you more than you know and wouldn't have it any other way. Best of luck.

2010-08-22T17:09:00.001-07:00

What's next?

Are You Still There

2010-08-21T14:21:00.001-07:00

Something I Stumbled Upon Today...

2009-05-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

“After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with you head up and your eyes open.
With the grace of maturity, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on
Today because tommorow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And that you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn and learn ....
With every goodbye you learn.”
~Veronica Shoffstall

2009-05-09T13:57:00.001-07:00

Angst...

2009-04-23T10:12:00.001-07:00

always forward, never backwards

2009-03-13T22:33:00.001-07:00

Do we bury ourselves in busy til we're dizzy numb and have forgotten how to feel?

Buried Letter

2009-02-01T17:20:00.000-08:00

The Introduction

2009-01-10T22:32:00.000-08:00

"I am lost in the hope for love. Sometimes clinging and grasping to the slightest feeling of it til my nails are dirty and deep in my heart I knew I should have let go a long time ago. Hanging in the perfection of romance because yes, it is perfect to me. Each unique – a different strain of the drug. However, the sweat of romance always dries. And the emotions leave you with the breeze that once whispered on your skin and made you want to make love everywhere you felt it. It's gone as quickly as it came and there you are…left stunned and spun upside down not knowing where to go next, but you feel like you need to go somewhere because standing still is unbearable. What keeps the weather sustainable – the question that keeps me up at night wondering if I'll ever settle for less than perfection because there's a chance the taste of love (however diluted it may be) might stay in my mouth for a second longer. How did I manage to set the bar so high? The bar that sends me running the second my eyes peer underneath it.

However difficult the task may be, I now attempt to discontinue my figurative pacing between what I think is best for us and stand still, waiting for light to show itself beneath the bleak sky of winter and confusion. And I think…

I know this. I truly felt the romance with you. Sincere love. Easily perfection. When I left you, I got in the car and buried my face in my hands in defeat. No tears, just a sigh – the culmination of all the emotions I felt spending my week with you. It was beautiful. And I knew I would not see you for some time, but I did not care because at that moment, I was in love and at peace with the situation.

Since we separated, distance has left us confused. This makes me feel our relationship is weak and unstable. I want to find the words to talk to each other, but instead I hide behind absence and passive aggression hoping maybe you'll get the letter I never sent. So I seek inspiration with the saddest, most thought-provoking records I can find and ask myself the questions every woman has probably asked herself at one time – What is wrong with me? Why does it have to be so god-damn complicated? And then I move on to questions probably more unique to me - Why do I run from love? What am I so afraid of? Are my scars too thick for anyone to feel me beneath them? And on the contrary, why do I grasp for things that may not be in my reach? It's exhausting living in those extremes.

Dedicated to fate, these questions plague into my soul, my very being, like a chronic disease the universe infected me with. What is karmic retribution anyway? Am I becoming jaded to it all? At what point do you give up on the romance? At what point do the daydreams I love to live in become so dismal and dim that I finally wake up and see what's real? But those dreams are all I know. I love them more than anything. They make me tick.

What I felt with you makes me tick. But a part of this love doesn't feel real. It doesn't feel tangible. It's a love that hides behind computer screens and text messages because were too afraid to stare it in the face. Figuratively avoiding eye contact. We are lost in the idea of it all and over analyze what we think we know to the point where we've forgotten that one solid long stare into someone's eyes can tell you more than all the analyzing and text in the world. If you are brave, stare at me now and don't blink because you might miss what I have to say. Here's my letter (and this is the hardest part)…"

Depictions of Lonliness

2008-12-13T13:48:00.000-08:00

Photos by BB

Magnetic

2008-10-29T20:29:00.001-07:00

The end of Pela. Photo by BB

Chicago in The Rain

2008-10-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

Photo by BB

Daydreaming at The Park

2008-10-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

Photo by BB

Look Up Chicago

2008-10-07T20:23:00.001-07:00

Someone should publish a book on the ceilings in Chicago.

Sunday

2008-10-05T16:11:00.001-07:00

Restless

2008-09-29T19:06:00.001-07:00

Despite this pace of insanity, the sun still sets, we still must sleep,
And I still manage to dream.
Forgive the intrusions and be present with the night.
Never alone when I close my eyes.
The hummingbird carries my thoughts.
Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, yet seemingly perfectly still.
The magician keeping me company...

Fall

2008-09-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

Another season’s passed. Take these thoughts - alive and in love with keeping me up at night. My tired eyes open wide staring at the inevitable. I flip over this fallen leaf and soon the night air will be crisp and I will breath slowly again.

For the one who got away

2008-09-18T21:17:00.001-07:00

Music bleeds,
And I can't escape the memories,
Where did I go,
There are more songs to sing,
More letters to write,
Rewind & find me,
I can still hear the last note.

2008-09-12T20:09:00.001-07:00

Wherever you go, there you are.

2008-08-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

Who's in?

2008-08-07T15:39:00.001-07:00

one day i'll get it right.

Perplexed in Paradise

2008-08-03T00:18:00.000-07:00

night ocean, she sings sad songs,
under a blanket of burning suns,
which one has the answer

Saved by a Stranger

2008-07-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t remember the day I was born, but I heard my father cried for me
They say from every death, comes a birth; I wonder who died for me
Was it on a cross and who watched you bleed
Did you feel pleasure indefinite or was it heated rage
If in rage, then its you who gave me my delusional pain, a gift I can't live without.
I got my soul from a stranger who wasn’t born in a manger, and I hear salvation will set me free
Free at last from my inherited greed that pulls at my side reminding me oceans can’t separate you from what you were born to be
So, I ask you stranger, where are you taking me and do my eyes show you the world differently
Or is it you who’s inside telling me life is what you can’t see
I picture you a lover passionate for what’s real
By real, I mean what’s real to you, not the collective idea of reality
I picture you a saint saving others with your smile and grace
You say a smile’s worth a thousand prayers when no ones happy anymore
I picture you angry at times because mom and dad didn’t try hard enough to love and you just want to get it right
So that anger becomes sadness and now I know why my father cried
He wanted his tears to baptize me on the day that you died

2008-07-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

And your guard is only a catapult waiting for the right time to let you go
Into the unknown, just to watch you hold your breath
And surrender your fortress…

And you're, you’re the kind to hide your eyes from the sun
And in your world, the strong survive
But I won’t take my body down…

And nothing will stop it.

- Words from “Arms Like Boulders” by The War on Drugs

Advice

2008-07-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

photo by BB

The Secret's Out

2008-06-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Intrigued by Post Secret, a blog of post cards of people's secrets. What's your secret?

Thank You!

2008-06-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

“…because you know in your hearts that at this moment – a moment that will define a generation – we cannot afford to keep doing what we've been doing. We owe our children a better future. We owe our country a better future. And for all those who dream of that future tonight, I say – let us begin the work together. Let us unite in common effort to chart a new course for America”

“In our country, I have found that this cooperation happens not because we agree on everything, but because behind all the labels and false divisions and categories that define us; beyond all the petty bickering and point-scoring in Washington, Americans are a decent, generous, compassionate people, united by common challenges and common hopes. And every so often, there are moments which call on that fundamental goodness to make this country great again.”

-Barack Obama June 3, 3008

Greed or Necessity?

2008-06-03T19:34:00.000-07:00

California

2008-05-18T18:48:00.001-07:00

photo by BB

Guilty

2008-05-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

Someone got in big trouble today at Dog Beach...and it wasn't me. Really though, who sits on the ground to eat a sandwich at a beach full of free running dogs? Secondly, who tattles to the lifeguard about it? You had it coming to you, lady.

2008-05-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

She's an honest defector
Conscientious objector
Now her own protector
Broken skyline, which way to love land
Which way to something better
Which way to forgiveness
Which way do I go
~Petty

They're Too Human

2008-05-14T11:17:00.001-07:00

Go team Water Buffalo!

Hot Lyrics

2008-05-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

"Touch Me I'm Going to Scream Pt.2"
...if you dont touch me, well i just think i'll scream
cuz it's been so long, since someone challenged me.
and made me think...about the way things are...
made me think...about the way they could be.
i believe it - why? oh my...
ooh my lord...ooh my lord...i don't even know why...but
oh! this feeling is wonderful. don't you ever turn it off!
oh! this feeling is wonderful. don't you ever turn it off!
feelings...why? oh my: human needs. heartbeats.
i can see it...all. by the way you smile.
i'm smiling too! i see myself in you
i am with it! ooh man i am wired!
ooh my lord! ooh my lord - yeah...i really know why!
oh! this feeling is wonderful! dont you ever turn it off!
oh! this feeling is wonderful! dont you ever turn it off!

The Race

2008-05-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

I ran through a field down a hill of time and tried to catch you
It’s been years
Golden sunshine dripped off my skin
The air heavy with thought
I breathed it in and out hoping each exhale would get me closer to you
Reaching out was never enough
You’re untouchable by choice
What are you running from
What part of me are you afraid to run with
A part I wish to leave behind to track my footsteps
Marked heavy from the weight of a heart I would die without
Slow and steady wins the race
But who wins when you’re racing yourself
Pulse fast
Each beat a resurgence of forgotten love
Feel it and don't hesitate
Because I won’t forget you
I know it's time to let you go
I can no longer keep your pace
Breathless, I stop and watch you disappear with the sun
Free from Innocence lost
A child who grew up too fast
It’s your turn, go
Beautiful forever, burned in my mind

R.I.P. Dr. Albert Hoffman

2008-04-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

Father of LSD died today at 102

Thank you for making me legally insane and for the perpetual paranioa that someone is going to dose me at music festivals.

It’s All Nonsense Anyway

2008-04-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

Inactive. Sorry. Wanted to write about the Blitzen Trapper and Fleet Foxes show in Portland. Wanted to write about the weather, the longer days, the flowers in bloom, the walks. But no time to blog. No time for anything. As I'm slowly loosing my mind planning my collaborative world take over. It's an arduous, yet beautiful thing.

It's Coming...

2008-04-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

And More

2008-04-20T14:30:00.000-07:00

I want to comment on the amazing creative energy in this city. Art is everywhere. On the sidewalks and sides of buildings, in the architecture, on the walls of boutiques, hardware stores, restaurants, coffee shops, etc. Its even in the bathrooms. Beautiful words are written where you'd least expect them. You never know when you might come across a hidden treasure and if youre lucky, it might inspire or stir something up in you.

Healing

2008-04-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

Here

2008-04-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Grave departures from where I used to be
I look ahead to relentless possibilities
New tasks
Effort on my part
And others
In haste, I sprint past your existence
Kiss your interest
And leave you
Longing for more
Just a taste for now
Today’s too easy
Tomorrow’s another story
And another
And another
In dreams is where I choose to lie
Alone
Tempting you to fall next to me
But, change is inevitable
As we’re in constant motion
With the passing of time, thoughts, and feelings
I’m wiser than you
Old souls inherit an untouchable knowledge
And I don’t see it in your eyes
So, I can’t let you in
You won’t understand
Where I am
Where I stand
Here

2008-04-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

dear mysterious one who paints on the sidewalk outside my house,

i like your owls.

xo, b

A Love Letter

2008-04-08T13:06:00.000-07:00

dear layla,

for nothing more than the pleasure past i would sacrifice my family, my god, and my own existence, and still you will not move. i am at the end of my mind, i cannot go back and there is nothing in tomorrow (save you) that can attract me beyond today. i have listened to the wind, i have watched the dark brooding clouds, i have felt the earth beneath me for a sign, a gesture, but there is only silence. why do you hesitate, am i a poor lover, am i ugly, am i too weak, too strong, do you know why? if you want me, take me, i am yours...

if you dont want me, please break the spell that binds me. to cage a wild animal is a sin, to tame him is divine. my love is yours

(signed with only a heart)

Written by Eric Clapton to Pattie Boyd while she was married to George Harrison. Pattie Boyd is the muse who inspired Clapton's Layla, Wonderful Tonight, and Something by George Harrison. Im reading her memoir right now and its fascinating. Pattie eventually left George to be with Eric. Do you blame her after words like that?

Pattie Boyd

2008-04-02T21:10:00.001-07:00

but your solitude will be a hold and home for you even amid very unfamiliar conditions and from there you will find all your ways.

~Rainer Maria Rilke

Its Contagious

2008-03-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

photo by BB

Fields

2008-03-23T12:20:00.000-07:00

fields will be plowed before some of my thoughts form.
the sky may shatter at every crack of dawn.
within me is a landscape, falling, falling hard.
its images trace themselves where things familiar and foreign are at once.
my land is torn, like the paper these strokes caress.
field shapen by isolation and groundlessness,
shape shift my rock of a mind,
its never proven more difficult than now,
as I shear my scales, and crackle at dawn.
tie pain through action and suffering into parts,
if clouds thunder, my mind is storming, eyes running rivers.
i weep only to be eclipsed by true happiness for you
and complete rejection of my own.
formed perhaps by my granite of jealousy,
my strength is wearing by each storm.
my heart is shedding and falling apart.
i am losing myself,
i am losing you and I am trying to find land.
this is the landscape I call confusion.

-Beautiful words written by my friend Scott Magic. He wrote this 5 years ago in Europe and recently came across it again. I convinced him to allow me to share it with you. Happy Easter.

What About Yesterday

2008-03-22T12:34:00.000-07:00

photos by BB

Best Birthday Present

2008-03-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

last night's sunset...

photos by BB

2008-03-01T12:01:00.000-08:00

living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.

~john lennon